A while ago, I came across a blog post that really spoke to me. It was before we found out that Emily was coming, back when we were dealing with the possibility that we might never become parents on our own. We were determined that we would be parents one way or another - IVF, adoption, whatever it took. And had we decided to adopt, we would have been overjoyed to have been lucky enough to raise a baby, no matter who gave birth to it - it would have been OURS from the very beginning, I have no doubt about that. At the same time, that is not a decision to be taken lightly, and with it comes a certain amount of grief over giving up the dream of a child that is biologically a part of you and your spouse.
It might be hard for someone to understand why I would still think about or be touched by things like this now that Emily is here- after all, our wish came true! But infertility doesn't just go away. Just because we aren't "there" right now doesn't erase the past and we will be forever changed by our experiences.
Anyway, my point in sharing this is that it can apply to a lot of circumstances in life. It was written in regards to raising a child with a disability, and it spoke to me in regards to alternate ways of expanding our family. Maybe someone else will read this and it will help them feel a little better about dreams that don't turn out as planned.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reservedI am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......Emily Perl Kingsley.
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
I love this post. And you are absolutely right about infertility. Two kids and five years later I still think about it everyday. But it made me a different mother than I would have been. It made me always remember to appreciate my children even when I really want to pull my hair out :) It took me a long time to say this but I am thankful for what we went through to get our babies.
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